Taking a Look

Friday, October 14, 2011

Burned Anew

"Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy"--Aristotle

I kept it all in for months. You see, I was afraid it would come across as hate. But it's not hate. I don't hate, and I feel none towards the following. It's simply anger. To prevent it from becoming hate, however, it had to be said. And it had to be said here. And now.


Anger noun. 1. A strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong 2. Pain 3. grief; trouble

Anger, one of the five stages of grief, along with denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Forgive, verb. 1. To cease to feel resentment against 2. To pardon an offense or an offender

How dare you? The place I once called home, that I loved so much. How dare you? How dare you tolerate this kind of behavior? How dare you tolerate it three times? How dare you make promises and promise answers and answer nothing? How dare you take my pain and twist it into a community campaign? How dare you? How dare you disregard my privacy and MY SUFFERING for your marches and vigils and rallies? How dare you try to martyr me in the offices of your pretentious buildings? How dare you cover up your inadequacy with new departments and special positions and redrawn policies? And you do all this and yet you found nothing. You punished no one. YOU STOPPED LOOKING. How dare you? How dare you make insinuations? How dare you overstep your Goddamn fucking boundaries and treat us like children? How dare you play couples counseling? How dare you say any of this was for my benefit?

How dare you? How dare you help me wash the paint off and then brush me away? How dare you leave me when I needed you most? How dare you tell me the pain was too much for you? How dare you tell me I was better off alone? How dare you tell me that you do not understand, and how dare you not try? How dare you? You who were my closest friends. How dare you apologize too little and too late? How dare you stand there as if I were in the wrong? How dare you ever treat anyone the way you treated me? How dare you turn your back on someone in pain?

How dare you? How dare you ignore me, reject me, avoid me, hurt me and have the nerve to call me "pissy" when all I ever did was reach you to you? How dare you? How dare you use me as a stand-in until your circle of friends was complete once again? How dare you throw me out like I never was there at all? How dare you look me in the eye and promise to be there and be everywhere but? How dare you say nothing, say nothing but “leave” when I expressed the gut-wrenching pain that was consuming me? How dare you? How dare you call yourself my friend?

How dare you? How dare you come into my life? How dare you take my hand and tell me everything was all right? How dare you bring us together knowing full well we had an expiration date? How dare you take my heart to Europe and drown it in the ocean? How dare you send me that letter? How dare you tell me those three words? How dare you take them back? How dare you? How dare make promises you never intended to keep? How dare you lie by calling me friend? How dare you? How dare you act as if you never knew me? How dare you treat me like that in public? You who won’t even read this, you who I extended every apology, friendly gesture, and peace offering to no avail, you who behave like a child, you, who knowing how much pain you have caused me, knowing to the deepest extent, never once said YOU WERE FUCKING SORRY. How dare you? How dare you ever say that you cared for me?

How dare you? How dare you presume anything about my life? How dare you publically humiliate me in my private space? How dare you bring to light my deepest shame? How dare you soil the place where I lived and turn sanctuary into prison? How dare you make me fear for my safety in my home? How dare you call me that? How dare you hurt me without knowing me? How dare you say those things in writing but not to my face? You coward. You self-righteous, ignorant, disgusting coward. How dare you walk around that campus after you destroyed everything it meant to me? How dare you make the effort to express your hatred for me THREE TIMES? How dare you sleep at night knowing what you’ve done? 

How dare you? You who looks back from the mirror. How dare you call yourself brave? How dare you not stay and fight? How dare you give them the satisfaction? How dare you believe that you made the right choice?

And You. Where were You? Where are You? You who are supposed to walk by my side, carry me through hardship, and show your light in the dark. Where were You? When I cried in the night, and screamed in my pillow and my eyes turned up as the blood ran down, where were You? Awake, a living nightmare and asleep, dreams laced with horror, and I fell and lost and was defeated. And I used tears and blood to whisper “Please.” And You said nothing. You did nothing. Where were You?


Thank you. To the place I once called home. Thank you for the time I spent, the people I met, and the things I did. Thank you for all of the lessons learned. Thank you for the opportunities, the experiences, the activities, the insight. Thank you for showing support, misguided or otherwise. Thank you for reacting and responding. Thank you for changing. Thank you for attempting to be my home. And thank you for helping me realize we weren't meant for one another. 

Thank you. To the one who apologized. To the one who said "I'm sorry" and let me say it back. Thank you for the memories, the gifts, the smiles, and the laughs. Thank you for letting me heal, and thank you for being there in the end. Thank you for putting friendship above pride.

Thank you. To the one showed me how to be cautious. Thank you for showing me who my true friends in this world are. Thank you for reminding me that I am far too forgiving. And trusting. Thank you for all that you did while I was in pain, and thank you for not doing anything recently. Thank you for stepping out of my life, so that I wouldn't have to push you.

Thank you. To the one who hurt me more than anyone. Thank you for teaching me to guard my heart. Thank you for teaching me that love is cruel. Thank you for showing me that my worst fear was a rational one. Thank you for letting me see that I can live without you, and that I want to.

Thank you. To the coward. Thank your for helping me realize that I am stronger than you will ever be. Thank you giving me a chance to start over in a place untainted by your presence. Thank you for fueling me to overcome all the hurt you know that you caused. Thank you for helping me grow enough to know that in walking away, I make the choice to live and not suffer your ugly actions anymore.

Thank you. To the self. Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for pushing yourself every day. Thank you for getting out of bed. Thank you for reminding yourself that you are loved, and for looking at that red binder whenever you need it. Thank you for actively seeking help. Thank you for taking a life-changing journey. And thank you for stepping away before the progress you made was torn down by hate.

And thank You. For the clear voice that said Stop and prevented The Worst Night from becoming The Last Night. Thank You for helping me forgive and love all of the above. But not to forget.

"Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean"--Maya Angelou