Taking a Look

Friday, June 10, 2011

Off My Rocker..and Into the Sea

In a few short hours, I will be taking the first step in the craziest journey of my life thus far. It seems almost unreal. After enduring some pretty bad months the worst months of my life, it didn't look like I would be making it for this trip. But sometimes, the night actually is darkest just before the dawn. 

The past two days have been insane, to say the least. Thursday night, I was the definition of a hot mess. Next to nothing was packed for a two month trip, I had a To-Do list that seemed never ending, and I kept freaking out about everything that entered my mind. I ended up having a panic attack, which I've been prone to since I slid back into depression. Oh yeah, I'm depressed. Like, actually depressed. Got pills and everything. But that's a blog for another day. A story for a different time in my life, when I'm ready to talk about some things I still need to work on, some demons I still need to confront, and some events I'm still in disbelief even happened.

But what's happening now is something exciting, something new, something scary, and something good. No, something great. I finally get to experience something great. And I'm so kid-who-gets-picked-to-be-the-line-leader-in-first-grade excited that I really want to share this experience with people back home. So, per the requests of many individuals, and because of my own interest, I will do my best to keep a running blog of where I go, what I see, who I meet, and why you should care. Oh, and what I eat. I feel like that will be entertaining to discuss, since I'll try anything once.

Tonight, my insomnia is good insomnia. There's no dread of going to sleep, there's just lots of anticipation. Some of it is nerves and anxiety, a problem I can't quite control yet, but most of it is general excitement. It's a nice change from how I was feeling twenty-four hours ago; when I was so stressed out I was unable to breathe properly, I could practically see my  heart straining against my chest, and I had to lay flat on my back in the middle of deck at 1:00 in the morning just to get my head to stop spinning. No, tonight, I feel great. Sure, I said goodbye to a lot of close friends today, and that sucked in the moment. And it will suck again soon. But I also got all (ok, most) of my packing done, I kicked that To-Do List's ass, had a healthy breakthrough on one of the issues I'm dealing with, and I even mustered up enough courage to ask a question I was afraid to ask, and tie up a loose end I was dreading taking on this trip with me. And it totally turned out ok! 

All in all, tonight is a good night, and hopefully is a sign of good things to come. And hopefully I'll be able to regularly communicate those good things! I'm totally open to any suggestions on things to blog about and what to include and once I start talking about things that are actually interesting I'd love comments and feedback (doesn't that sound like I'm only saying it because I feel obligated? I don't. Ok, I do. But it's still true). 

Alright, now I'm going to load up my carry-on and sort out these butterflies in my stomach. It's like that feeling you get when take a deep breathe right before you make the conscious decision to do something you've always dreamed of doing and finally get the chance. Or when you're waiting in line at Target and a cashier opens up a new check-out lane. One or the other. Haven't decided which yet.

"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is, 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!" --Alice


  1. Great bloggity idea!! It's like I'll be taking this journey with you (I wish)!
    Enjoy. Love life. Learn as much as you can. Embrace God's beauty. Be safe.
    Love, Lovey

  2. You are one beautiful person. Thank you for keeping me updated. :)

  3. I am so excited to keep tabs on your adventure! Thank you for going into this trip with the best intentions at capturing as many moments as you can. There will be many times when you'd rather crash in your bed or do nothing at all, but I encourage you to just write. Write, draw, sing, dance, whatever it is, but feel everything and try to capture as much as it you can. But the most important thing is to live it, even if that means missing some updating :)

    I'm so incredibly proud of you and I can already tell that you are going to grow so much. Love you <3